Funny that it should come to me suddenly just before I went to bed. If it happened often enough, I'd be worried that I was suffering from chronic depression.
It's late at night and there's no one I can or want to talk to on MSN, so this is the next best thing, I suppose. Yes, I admit, I think there's still some anger and grief in me regarding my breakup. If this is news to you, I'm sorry - I've never been one to announce my feelings and my business to all and sundry. The way I see... saw... (I don't know which is the case) it, my feelings are a personal thing and I should not inflict the pain of my own pain on others.
Which may be a bad thing, because I don't know if I've actually vented enough to get over it. Sometimes I worry that I'm just brushing things under the rug instead of really being ok. I can't tell. It feels mostly the same.
Except when things like this happen, and I'm assaulted with memories so poignant that I just start tearing. Perhaps I'm terribly adept at deluding myself - otherwise why all the private tears without the outward admission?
I think the episode was mainly sparked off by my remembrance about how sweetly it started - the giddy happiness and solemn promises. The heartwretching ache for that missed feeling. And then the recollection of how upset I was later. Ridiculous really. How can you tell others you're alright when you cry in bed, cry in the shower, cry on the bus? I used to be able to count the number of times I cried per year but I think I completely lost track of what that number is over the past 2 years. When I think about it now, it was just me feeling sorry for myself.
I don't tell people these things because I never wanted them to 1) feel sorry for me or worse, 2) make them feel as though I wanted them to feel sorry for me. Also, who knows how some people might experience schadenfreude. Maybe it's a fear of seeming vulnerable. I know how it would shock a whole bunch of people if they ever saw me cry. And really, it's so much easier to say you're ok than to explain how not okay you are.
As for anger... It's a very undirected anger. I have no one to be angry at, no one I can think of to blame. Quite unsettling to me because it all feels very unresolved, somehow.
Anyway, I think I'm normal now. I just needed to talk to someone and the urge to hug someone and cry is completely gone. I'm er... mostly myself and not sure if this should even be published.
Still. I am human. I do grieve, I get angry and become unobjective. Just let me feel as though I'm justified in being insensible, is all I ask. =)
:: nimezs @ 1:40 am [+] ::
