I don't know why, but suddenly I feel like bitching.
I can't stand rom coms anymore. It's not like I don't like them, but they make me feel sad and they NEVER did in the past. I don't want to feel miserable everytime I watch any kind of romantic show. Moulin Rouge, Hitch, ARGH even the stupid 9pm show on Channel 8.
Romance, romance, romance. It's FREAKING DEAD. As a doornail. I'm quite sure it doesn't exist in a relationship anymore. Every girl wants to be swept off her feet by the right guy, but how often does it happen? OMG. I am reaching the stage where I don't mind being swept off my feet by ANY male. That's how damn much I'm craving the attention.
Point of information? I received one of those nice chinese smses from a guy I hardly know much less even like, but yet, (yes, YET) it actually made me feel good (it made me smile, even) and I almost msged back thank you, even though I've never ever done it before in the entire history of his smsing me.
And that shocked me. It shocked me that I'm so desperate for attention. It shocked me that deep down inside I'm a sad sad cry for attention, and everything I've disliked about anything these days is borne of an overwhelming sense of jealousy. I am even begining to regret the times I rejected the people who ever romanced me. All of you, I'm sorry. I made a mistake, I did not appreciate the things you did. Truly, it's better to be loved than to love.
I think I'm tired of being nice to people I want to like me. Funnily, the people I never try that hard with are the people who like me the best. So maybe the problem is me and my being nice. And if it doesn't seem to make a difference on your attitude towards me whether or not I'm nice to you, then perhaps you're not worth wasting my time on. I'm tired of smiling and pretending to be mature and letting all go and seeming as if I really give a damn sometimes. I do care about some people in my life but like I said to a friend of mine, I want some payback. Because we're really all selfish inside. We only do things so we can receive some form of reward.
I don't know if I can be altruistic anymore. And guess what? I'm still a seething, boiling mass of teenage rage inside and for what it's worth and for everything that's ever happened to me, I think I'm overdue for a nuclear meltdown. And this is my carthasis, my way of getting attention. There IS an audience. I can rant madly.
I hate gilded smiles. I hate people who pay me lip service. I hate people who don't sincerely appreciate the things I do for them. I hate it that I too have to do all these things in order to fit in. Well, screw you and yours. Do beware my gilded smile from now on. I'm not evil but I can be extremely creative.
Also, person(s) who have been stealing money from the clubroom? You're the most despicable of all. You betrayed a trust and wrought misery on many people. If I ever find out who you are, so help me, I will make sure you experience exactly the trauma you dished out so unthinkingly. Somehow it's not enough to know you will someday receive your just desserts. I want to watch you taking it cold and sweet too.
Well, now that's over. I think I can get back to being normal.
Good question, why do I never say what I feel to the people I especially want to know this? Because the whole process of accusation and discussion never gets anywhere but just drags on and on going around in circles. This is why I'm all blank smiles and "I'm fine" to everyone who asks. THIS IS WHY. I'm tired of explaining and hearing your justifications. I'm tired of hearing people ask me what I'm going to do about it. So allow me my ranting, listen and pay attention. If it really bothers you, fine, say something but don't ask me what's wrong. I'm telling you now. And what I'm not telling you, you'll just have to find out yourself. Because frankly sometimes I don't know myself as well as you think I would. That's why we use mirrors to look at ourselves. I'm only human, I am not omniscient. So don't expect me to be able to look at myself.
Figure it out yourself.
:: nimezs @ 12:48 am [+] ::
