"Hey, everyone, I'm going to marry a woman I met in the park this afternoon because we can't stand for our dalmatians to be heart-broken."
Truly, 101 Dalamatians is a Disney film. Or maybe it's a British thing. I just find it remarkably unbelievable that two people would get married after knowing each other such a short time, even given allowance for the fact they might have fallen in love at first sight. Very sweet, yes, but silly. What happens after your dogs die? How do you know the man you just hit with a bag full load short of three bricks will be the one? It's all so very... Disney. We all live happily ever after. And I had no idea that dogs mated for life. 10 minutes into the movie and I'm already preferring the cartoon version.
And so goes on, because I actually sat through the rest of the movie. Here's the corny conversation that was playing in my mind.
Officer 1: Yep, I'm pretty sure that De Vil woman did it because that nice lady was able to come up with a sketch of a dalamatian print coat.
Officer 2: Yeah, that's motive, that is!
Officer 1: We'd better send out a whole squad of cars to apprehend that crazy woman and her two flunkies because (hushed voice) I heard dog nappers can be really vicious, and kidnapping 15 puppies is a serious crime!
Officer 2: Yeah, hang 'em all dog nappers! They should be shot, they should!
Officer 1: 'Ere, do you really need 99 puppies for a coat that size?
Officer 2: Well, you know, Bob, all them's puppy's coats are all differ'nt in patterns, yeah? So they need all them puppies to, you know, pick the best out of the rest.
Officer 1: Cor, that rhymed!
Officer 2: I was thinking if we sang a little, we could make this show into a muscial.
Officer 1: Oh yeah, that'll really get the audiences! D'you think we'll have to dance? I could wear my kilt. I've been practising my can-can dance. D'you want to see?
Officer 2: Er. Er.. Oh! Oooh! (pointing to the horizon) Hey, would you look at that?
Officer 1: Oooh. It's the puppies. What smart buggers! They escaped without our even having to find them! Well done! And all unhurt too!
Officer 2: Dear me. What will we do with that bloke we picked up at the De Vil house?
Officer 1: He's got a shifty look about him. I'm sure he's guilty of something.
Officer 2: That's a relief, we can't just go around arresting people who done nothing.
Officer 1: That's right, Sam. We uphold justice. That means the innocent have nothing to fear from us. I know! We could arrest him for malicious loitering at the De Vil mansion!
Officer 2: You're so smart, Bob!
Later on, after the policemen have presented 101 dogs to Roger and Anita, plus a hefty dry cleaning bill for their squad cars...
Roger: Oh dear, what will we do with them?
Pongo barks. (Trans: Let's turn our story into a movie and maybe lots of people will buy dalamatians from us!)
Anita: Oh well... I guess we could keep them. We'll need a bigger place though.
Pongo barks again. (Trans: Why isn't anyone listening to me? I don't want to be the father of 99 puppies. I've got places to go, other butts to sniff!)
Perdita claws him in the face.
Roger: Yeah, let's keep them all. We've already got 17, what's 84 more dalmatians? I'm sure with this new game I've created I'll be as rich as that American bloke Bill gates. Never mind your boss is in jail and you've got no job.
Anita: Oh Roger, you are wonderful!
Roger: Well, I'm sure my game will be a hit, and after all, what's about 35K a year for the dogs? I just hope they're house-trained.
Anita: (gasps) The new sofa! (runs inside)
