:: No hablo estúpido ::

:: Monday, December 30, 2002 ::

Are you one of those kind of people who a) gets into a relationship when offered just for the heck of it, regardless of any feelings or lack therefore you have for the other person; or b) doesn't want to get into a relationship because you aren't sure of your exact feelings for the other person, even though it seems to everyone else that you two have something going on? Or are you c) the kind of person who's desperate to get into ANY KIND of relationship with ANYONE.

Perhaps it's not so easily definable, but rather these are stages we all go through. I was at A) once. Then B). And now I have a feeling I might be headed towards C). It doesn't mean I'm there yet, but I feel I'm frightfully close to it. I mean. A) is easy to explain... Novelty of first time relationships, or maybe you're just seeking stability with someone you're at least comfortable with. B).. Well, you're either afraid, or are waiting for better things ahead. But when you reach C)... oh boy. That's just... sad.

When you reach the stage that you're just *hungry* for any kind of attention, it shows a severe lack of self-esteem, when you almost prostitute yourself for some kind of commitment that isn't really there... I don't know why I'm pursuing this line of thought actually. Perhaps... I will someday get into a relationship for convinience, for stability, even if the feeling of "liking" or attraction isn't there.

What kind of crazy feeling is it that pushes someone to want so much to possess someone else, to bind them in an agreement? When you like someone so much that you need that title to feel complete - to have someone as your boyfriend or girlfriend. Why do two people seriously dating need a milestone of 'officially' getting together? Is it really all that important? Or does it mean, that without this binding, each is free to date as they please, with no guilty feelings?

Maybe that's why some are afraid to commit. And for the very same reason, many want to commit, to restrict their partner's dating field. A balance here, as it seems, is not achievable. I really don't know what I want at the moment - to be able to play the field, or to settle down with someone I can rely on to be there for me.

:: nimezs @ 11:46 pm [+] ::

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Right, I think I'll just do a very brief summary of what I did for the week?

Day 1: Touched down in Australia. Went to my aunt's house. Watched carollers. Fell asleep during performance. Dinner at Uncle Patrick's house. Steamboat.

Day 2: Went to Caversham Wildlife Park. Saw the animals, felt the animals, smelt the animals. Fed the kangaroos. Shopping for 2 hours and lunch. Dinner and games at Uncle Patrick's house again. Supermarket for chocolates and snacks. Cousin bought vodka. Drank half a can. Threw up in shower.

Day 3: More shopping again. Checked out Freemantle market, but it wasn't open. Bought a book at the train station and some sweets. Looked for boardshorts. Dinner, then went to aunt's house for gift opening session.

Day 4: Fed ducks and swans. Christmas dinner at Uncle Patrick's house. Turkey and ham. The turkey was good.

Day 5: Went to the beach. Canoed and kayaked. Got too wet for my comfort. Got a slight tan and lots of muscle strain in upper body areas. Dinner BBQ for birthday celebration. Played Monopoly. Lost my sunglasses. Stopped at petrol station for water and new sunglasses.

Day 6: Horseriding. Butt and thighs ache. Full body pain. Went back to hotel for bath and cool down. Lunch in town, later visited wharf. Saw jellyfish. Ran out for pool with my cousin. He beat me. Skipped off to the Freemantle market, which was, this time, open. But nothing much there.

Day 7: After breakfast, hit town. Spent the last of my money there. Reached the airport at about 2.30. Cleared customs, did duty-free shopping and was on the plane by 5.30. Watched One Hour photo. It was alright. Caught half of spy kids 2. It was funny. Touched down in Singapore at about 9.55. Dead tired.

:: nimezs @ 4:14 pm [+] ::

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I actually wrote while I was in Australia. Rather enthused about it at the beginning, partially because of my boredom and my fascination with my handwriting, but the enthusiasm petered off at the end. Suffering from slight post-holiday depression, so this is a good time as any, I feel, to start typing out my make-shift diary. Here goes.

0815: Dec 22
Through the customs. Didn't set the alarm, so we were late to meet the rest of them at the airport.

Won't be able to blog, of course, which is why I've got this notebook.

Isn't it strange? The original purpose of my blog, to be able to freely express, has been changed to that of entertainment and updating purposes. From writing about my feelings, I've taken to relating general events.

As a result, I've been able to write less and less about my feelings towards people, and more about incidents I think would amuse the visitors to my page.

The whole purpose of my blog was to have someone, albeit a stranger to confess my thoughts - all of them.

It's better, for me to confess to a stranger than a friend. My life is untouched by their thoughts, their opinions, their *judgements* because I do not know them nor care for them.

The downside, of course, is that my friends know less and less about what's going on, and have no idea about what I'm going through. I won't get their support or concern when I need it the most.

At the same time, I won't get their reprimands or moral judgements when I need it the least.

But once again, I digress. This is not about me complaining. This is about my holiday in Australia.

0925: Still waiting for the plane to take off. I've checked the inflight movies.

Hopefully, when I come back, they'll still be showing 'One hour photo', which Sarius recommanded (I think) as a good psychological thriller.

But for now, however, I'll be catching Lilo and Stitch.

The plane is taxiing now. Will be able to start watching in 20 mins (after take-off)

1000: We're in the air now! Some details about my flight - I'm flying with Quantas, in a Boeing 747-400. Smoking is not allowed. I wish I were in a window seat.There's more to see there. But still, the inflight entertainment seems pretty good.

I love taking airplane flights. If you were really sarcastic, you could make the point that most flying is done in airplanes, except in supernatural, risky, or highly fatal situations. Then, of course, there's my morbid curiousity of what it would be like to go down, but that's not something the rest of the passengers would like to contemplate.

I'd be listening to the radio if there was anything good on it. As it is, I think I'll just read the paper until the movies come on. Till I touch down.

-Nicole.

:: nimezs @ 1:16 am [+] ::

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I am so bored. Waiting around for people is the most boring thing in the world. i'll be back in Singapore in... er.... about 8 hours time? But for now, I'm waiting around in the lobby... and I have lots of coins...

:: nimezs @ 1:12 pm [+] ::

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I'm in Australia now, at the lobby of the hotel, using one of those pay as you access booths. Ordinarily I wouldn't care, but one week of holidays has the tendency to play havoc with the amount of junk mail I receive. As it is, I already spent the last 7 mins clearing 8 pages of junk mail from one of my accounts.

Having fun here, that's to be admitted, though most parts of my body are aching from canoeing yesterday. that's it for now, I guess, have to go get extra clothes for horse-riding. The rest of the stuff Ido will be up here later on, though no photos, because I forgot my camera.

:: nimezs @ 8:34 am [+] ::

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There's that feeling of restlessness again. My results will be out this afternoon. Frankly speaking, I'm not expecting to do well at all. Given how hard I studied, that's not a big surprise. Oh well. Another depressing thing to take a holiday from. Then I'll have to start planning what modules I'm going to take whilst I'm in Australia. I mean for NUS. Not modules in Australia. You get it.

I'm going to be gone for a week, and, somehow, despite the fact I'll be somewhere else beside boring, boring Singapore, I feel slightly depressed. Won't be able to see my friends, or my family. There are so many things to miss, and people I'll miss, even if it's just for one week. Especially my computer. Heheh... I don't think I'd feel so ... lost if I had my computer with me.

One gripe I have to make is that I feel people seem to see me as shallow. I'm not sure if this is because they don't know me, or I don't know myself. I don't FEEL like I act shallow, although I will admit to bouts of superficiality. I admit that I like guys who are good looking, I have materialistic desires, and I do sometimes judge people by face-value. But then, doesn't everyone? Or am I mistaken in believing that good looking people seem to be more well-received at first glance? Does admitting to my desires make me worse? So, I'm to like someone only because he's good-looking, and I don't associate with others because they're not?

Maybe it seems to people that I go out too much with people I don't know. Maybe it seems that I talk to much about enjoying free dinners. Maybe it seems like I only interact with or develop friendships with people who have something to offer me materialistically. It doesn't seem that way to me. Sometimes it's hard to not use the term "friend" on everyone you know, on the basis that you know this person, because people seem to get upset if you call them "acquaintances". Well, at least people my age. I wish I could tell them that you'd only be my friend if I cared for you, but no. "Friends" are people you talk to a lot. "Friends" are people you go shopping with. "Friends" are people who are only there when you have something to give them. "Friends" are people who talk about you behind your back because they don't know you that well. What can I say? I have a lot of those.

But as for the people who care, the people who notice my moods, the people who know what to say to me - how can I put them in the same category as the above?

I realise I've just digressed from the ONE gripe I was supposed to be making, but sometimes things just merge. I dunno. Being human is so complex. Being human is fun.

Talking like you aren't human is even more fun.

Hah... That should give you something to chew on.

:: nimezs @ 4:29 pm [+] ::

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The day is long, but I have nothing to say. My house is undergoing renovation, as I said earlier, and presently, I'm getting poisoned by the varnish fumes. And I'm starving now.

I am sort of tired of going out everyday, but LOTR screens tonight and I must see it. Hahaha... After Saturday I'll be able to rest. Heh. I haven't been able to do everything I've wanted to this hols, but I think at least I did quite a bit. Twas fun. And for once? I'm not panicking about going back to school. Truth be told, I'm dying to get back to school. 2003. Here's to better times and memories.

:: nimezs @ 7:30 pm [+] ::

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Alrighty. I was at Lisa's house yesterday and in the morning today... Staying over with Mel. It was quite fun, despite the very very little sleep we got. I feel like sleeping now. My eyes are dead beat... We played FF10, hung out at the balcony eating cookies and drinking Milo till the wee hours of the morning, and then later changed into our prom dresses. Sounds weird, but don't knock it till you try it yourself. There's nothing more satisfying that being dressed up. Hehe. With no where to go, unfortunately.

We played themed scrabble while we were waiting for the bus to come. Fun! Heheh. I have some great ideas on how to play scrabble now.

:: nimezs @ 3:11 pm [+] ::

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my vacation photos are up!

:: nimezs @ 11:28 pm [+] ::

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Flowers, dinner, dessert, more books. Ask me about it if you really want to know. "I went out" is the short version.

Heh heh.

:: nimezs @ 12:41 am [+] ::

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I'm going out this evening. Life's a drag when your house is being renovated.

:: nimezs @ 3:36 pm [+] ::

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Christmas is, and has been always one of my favourite holidays. I find it quite a great pity that I will not be able to spend it with friends or family in Singapore. But then, we've never placed great emphasis on the celebration of Christmas.

So what the hell is Christmas, if not a commercialized holiday? The season of giving, the seaon of hope? Earlier today I said to someone: Never expect anything, because people keep letting you down over and over.

The downside to that, is of course, that you become cynical, and believe that there is no hope, no one you can depend on, nothing to look forward to, and life is bleak and meaningless. Is it that way to me? Sometimes. Which is worse? Not getting something you expect to get, or foregoing the feeling of looking forward to something? The hope makes you happy, but you're afraid to expect too much. How is it possible to look forward to anything?

And yet, losing hope... how can I say this is something I want to happen to me? I do want to be light-hearted, I do want to be happy. But if I am to shield myself from the hurt of unfulfilled wishes...

Just live for the next moment. Never dreaming. Moving on. And everything. And nothing. And meaningless words that just flow and flow. And unfeeling. And empty. And pretending. And covering. Shielding from others. Momentary happiness. False laughter. Unknown. Untouched.

:: nimezs @ 1:02 am [+] ::

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My house is under renovation again, so I won't be able to blog as often as before. Sleeping in the living room tonight. Hmmm. Oh well. Things could be worse, like not being able to take a bath the last time. And my prom was during that period. Yes, things could be worse. Oh, and in other news? I'm going to Perth! YES! Woohoo!! Hahahahahaaha! Perth, perth, perth, perth!!!

I'm so psyched. Well, not about the company, but the fact I get to go overseas.. Really far overseas this time. I wish my brother was going, then at least a member of my family would be going, but he's not interested. This is quite a first for me 'cause I've never been overseas by myself. I guess this will more or less give me a feel of how it's like to go holidaying with friends, which is something I'm very, very keen on doing eventually. It's quite a good break, paying $750 for the ticket.

Besides that of course, I love Perth. Love the weather. Love the tan I'm gonna get. Love the fact that I will finally be able to swim. Heh.

Shucks. The only thing I can't handle is the Internet deprivation. Even in Malaysia I was itching to get my hands on a computer terminal and log on. Urghs.

So, next week, I'll be busy trying to fill my social calender with dates with people I want to meet up with before the holidays end, and I have no chance to see them. Takers anyone?

:: nimezs @ 10:50 pm [+] ::

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3 more days.

:: nimezs @ 11:49 pm [+] ::

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I'm pretty sure I'm starved for affection. Yep. Pretty sure. I need affection.

:: nimezs @ 11:24 pm [+] ::

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Yay. I got a new book. He bought me a book! If you know how much I love Terry Pratchett, you'll know how big a thing this is to me. LOL. I had a nice day. Quite. Really. Haha!

:: nimezs @ 9:45 pm [+] ::

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Ye gads. There's a site called www.carpeveritas.com. Went there by accident whilst I was trying to access my own blog. Interesting. I haven't really perused the site much, so the interesting part is mostly because it's THERE.

How was my trip? So-so. It could've been better if I had more to spend and was with friends instead of family. Would have definately been more fun. In a way, Malaysia reminded me of Australia because of its miles and miles of unspoiled wilderness... And you know, Australia, with its.... miles and miles of... unspoiled wilderness... and desert.

Oh yeah, like I said about the beds... Nothing more enjoyable than lying spread-eagled on the fluffy white beds and waving your arms up and down against the sheets. And the bubble baths? Really nice except for the fact the bubbles were... non existant after a while. Do wish I could've swum.

I only went on two rides at the theme park. One of them gave me a headache and made me nauseous. The other one... despite it being merely a ferris wheel ride, slightly increased the effects of nausea and dizziness. Going on the rollar coaster after that was out of the question. Well, and the lines were pretty long too. Which was quite a pity, considering I paid about 35++ rm to get into the park. And I didn't swim either. Quite a waste.

There was this bridge that spanned the park. Pretty cool stuff 'cause of its height. First and last time I would see my siblings holding hands. Nearly lost my sun glasses after I accidently knocked them off my shirt. Thank goodness for quick reflexes. Haha.

Oh, and during this trip? I couldn't take my eyes off the couples at the resort. There was this couple in the swimming pool who were... I'm not a voyeur. Shut up. Which reminds me. I think my secondary school principle was there too. Those two statements have nothing in common. Shut up.

I wish I could've done more, but it was a pretty short trip, and all in all, not bad at all.

And, as for tmr. A blind date!

I promise. I did not pick him at Malaysia.

This is so exciting, no? More later. Tomorrow. Today. Whatever.

:: nimezs @ 12:45 am [+] ::

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Well, I'm back. There'll be photos up eventually. Heh. There's one thing I must say about holidays, I looooove the hotels. Sounds weird I know, but I like their fluffy white beds. Can't think of much else to say now, but I really missed Singapore and of course, certain people. Hee.

:: nimezs @ 10:48 pm [+] ::

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Well, I'm not exactly off yet. Still here. Online. Been feeling rather restless these few days. Can't sleep. Can't stop myself from coming online. Could be that I'm excited about the trip.

:: nimezs @ 1:27 am [+] ::

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Well, I'm off to Malaysia for 3 days. Not much else to report. =) Seeya.

:: nimezs @ 11:01 pm [+] ::

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Staying over at my friend's place today. We went out to the old Pavillion place and played pool. We only completed 3 games in like.. an hour? Lol. Quite bad, but at least I won two games.. heh...Then we went to the arcarde and stayed there for about an hour. A bit of those DJ games... Embarrassed ourselves at Para-para. Um. Well. There wasn't anyone there. So heck with it, right?

:: nimezs @ 12:30 am [+] ::

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Amazing Race 3 came to Singapore. It was interesting watching the show, especially seeing Singapore from the racers' point of view. Since AM3 is already one of my favourite shows to watch, this episode really took the cake. It was hilarious hearing the contestants butcher the pronunciation of the roads and Phua Chu Kang's name... I think they should have used one of the Singapore Airline Girls for the representive instead of Jamie Yeo anyway.... Their uniform is so much more distinctive.. heh.

The only part about the AM3 that I didn't like was Teri and Ian not being eliminated.They're my absolute non-favourite team. Hmm. But then I guess maybe in a way Zach and Flo should've lost because Flo kept yelling at Zach and was really unreasonable towards him. Oh whatever. I wonder who will win.

Do read about it here. Oh do!

:: nimezs @ 10:10 pm [+] ::

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Alright, honestly, I've been staying up late because of this person I've been chatting to a lot of late. The bantering that sometimes goes on between us definately reminded me of one of my friends. Can't say I dislike it. Haha. I think I did mention this person before in one of my other blogs... What I like so much about him is that he hasn't been crazily desperate to get all my personal information and/or take me out. Hm. As I recall, the very same situation occured to me before, and it made me crazy about the guy instead. I promise though, *grin* none of that will be happening. We do not want him to only be friends with me because he thinks he can get anything he wants from me. Heh heh heh.

Anyway, my dear friend Lyndon, 2 weeks more till you come back to Singapore! Yay! Really. Missed you and your jibes. You can still SMS me at the same number you know. Please do. Only I don't have your number now, so... you know what to do. Typing this here instead of mailing you because my sending function is screwed up. And I'm not going to put a comment in your public-y blog. So there.

:: nimezs @ 2:26 am [+] ::

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I AM FREAKING BORED.

:: nimezs @ 10:18 pm [+] ::

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The problem with staying up too late is that you feel groggy for the rest of the day even if you've had your 8 hours worth of sleep. Maybe I should just sleep from 10 to 2, and THEN wake up and go online. Hahaha... and then go back to sleep at 4am till 10am. Think that'll work?

:: nimezs @ 5:25 pm [+] ::

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Okay, I have only... like.... 12 minutes left to do a blog for Monday. Heh. So ok. Ermmm. I went out today, ate at Genki Sushi. Food was nice, but I learnt not to touch the fried stuff 'cause it was mostly cold. The egg pudding was delicious. I wish I took a second helping.... But it was quite expensive, so.... I won't be eating there too often. Then went down to Bugis to game... Tried out X-box games... Some Mario Board game that was really fun. I laughed and laughed... It was really really fun.

I'd like to do this again! =D

:: nimezs @ 11:51 pm [+] ::

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There is this strange happiness in being lost in your own world. I don't think I ever felt better today compared to the whole week as I was walking down Orchard road by myself, oblivious of the crowd, listening to music. The sense of freedom of being by yourself, the feeling of truly being yourself. I didn't have to concentrate on anyone else or make idle talk. Free to think about myself, free to look around and appreciate the sights better. I could do whatever I pleased, rather than wait around for people to decide where they wanted to go, or where they wanted to do.

Of course, eventually, the novelty of being alone wears off, and everywhere you see people together, and there you are, by yourself, lost in your own silly world with no one to share it with.

Well, that and the bustling crowds that walk slowly made my day less than perfect.

But otherwise, it was pretty nice walking around alone today. Haha, I realised that soul-searching doesn't have to occur somewhere remote...

:: nimezs @ 4:20 am [+] ::

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Shoot me dead before I kill someone.

There are three things in the world I hate, people who number things, people who number things, and people who repeat themselves.

:: nimezs @ 4:00 am [+] ::

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I hate the MRT. I think the seats should be made wider so that even thin people like me aren't squashed between two people. There is this guy who was asleep next to me and the rim of his cap kept digging into my shoulder. I'm not very touchy feely with strangers, so I really don't like the sensation of someone else's arm against mine (or even someone's head on my shoulder for that matter). I'd still make this rant even if that guy were cute, which he was most definately not. So. We should rally for bigger Mrt seats. If that wasn't bad enough, later on, these three women tried to squeeze into 2 seats. URGH. This is not the first time I've had this feeling I was being squashed on the MRT between two people. And I HATE it I tell you. HATE IT.

:: nimezs @ 4:40 pm [+] ::

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I think it's day 4. Still got a slight cough, and a lowered sense of taste and smell. Thanks for your mouldy lozenges. That visit to the emergency ward really perked me up. Remind me to send you mouldy turkey next thanksgiving. Anyhow, I'm seriously bored and IRC has been devoid of good conversationalists these few days. Was talking on the phone with my friend's friend. The one I mentioned... oh....a few days ago. The one my attached friend was trying to hook me up with. There was this point of time he started yammering about how it was his (my friend) first love, how he (my friend) should treasure it and he (not my friend) told him so, and about how happy he (my friend) is, and how he really deserves it after all he's been through (blah, blah) and that he (not my friend) was so happy for him (my friend) and he's really a good guy and how if we all met up, we should try to make her (mf's gf) welcome (but she wouldn't want to be made to feel welcome, contradiction on his part.) Yawn. All the while I was thinking, Hello, is he (mf) not my friend too? As if I would do something to spoil his relationship? And I've known him longer than you. Sure, we may not be bunk mates but I've seen him through more bouts of insecurity than you have. You're telling me what I should do?

Geez. There was this point of time that I actually took the phone from my ear and rested it on my shoulder... 5 seconds later he was still talking. Urrgh. Why. The. Hell. Are. You. Telling. Me. This? It's so weird hearing that from a stranger. Well, gee, if you like talking about my friend, and how I should treat him (because I'm an insensitive lout, you know), YOU go and be his girlfriend. Not the best comeback I could think of, but it'll do under duress.

Yes, dear folks, I did actually get angry, don't know if he realised it, but my responses got shorter, and my laughter was forced. Mister, you don't tell me what I should do, or even what "we" should do, because there is no "we". Don't treat me like I'm a kid and I have no tact. Sure, you may be right, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't respect what I think, or my ability to do the right things. Unless you're so worried about hurting his relationship with his girlfriend, something that I wouldn't even dream of hurting, that you'd insult his friend's ability to be nice.

Honestly. I am beginning to like this guy less and less.

:: nimezs @ 12:39 am [+] ::

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Miracles of miracles! My nose is no longer runny, or blocked! Yay! Maybe tomorrow, I shall finally venture outside the house.

:: nimezs @ 1:44 am [+] ::

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Well well well. Day 3 of the battle against the flu virus. Yep, the enemy's identity is revealed. *pulls out more tissue papers*

Been sitting around all day on my butt. I need to get out more. Hmmm. Maybe I should start asking random friends out. "Hey you! Yeah, you whose name I can't remember. Want to go out and catch a movie?"

God knows I haven't been out on a properly enjoyable outing since... since the energy draining paper test they call exams. I want to go out... I want to go out, and what's more, actually have fun. I never plan anything, of course, but that's me, ever the follower. Where can I find someone to arrange things for me, and then carry them plans out?

"It would be nice if I could go cycling on Saturday. Decide on where and the time, won't you, my dear, and pick me up at Tampines."

Haha. What a great way to chase off people. *rereads what she's just written* I'm crapping. Heck.

Could be the flu.

:: nimezs @ 12:36 am [+] ::

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Stupidest episode of PCK aired today. I think the storyline was very lame, and quite pointless. The ending was too predictable. Well, it was funny, but it got kind of tiresome towards the end.

:: nimezs @ 1:04 am [+] ::

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*cough* *cough* *hack*

The sore throat has turned into a cough. I can't sleep. Slept in the afternoon. My hands and feet and cold. I want to curl up in someone's lap and suck my thumb. =(

I hope I don't start burning up too.

:: nimezs @ 12:37 am [+] ::

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I'm getting dizzy. I think I'm going to lie down.

:: nimezs @ 12:49 pm [+] ::

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Things have definately taken a turn for the worse in the battlefield that is my body. It hurts when I swallow... My nose is running again, and I'm spitting flem every ten minutes. The medicine is making me feel nauseous and I want to go back to bed. Stayed up late last night online because I couldn't tear myself away, and I think perhaps should get more sleep. Worse, the weather is cloudy and rain seems to be threatening to appear. Great for sleeping in, I know, but this kind of weather just makes me feel cold and sicker.

:: nimezs @ 12:33 pm [+] ::

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My sore throat as spread. Now it's more at the center of my throat then the side. Argh. Visited the toilet... Saw a few squirmy things that looked suspiciously like baby millipedes. I guess this means my brother won't be using any of the toilets in the house anymore. Hee.

:: nimezs @ 2:54 am [+] ::

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Sorry about the fact i've not been posting much here, (as if you really cared). Anyhow, it's been an interesting few days. Well, let's see. A friend got himself attached, which was kind of unexpected, because i never had any indication of it happening. And yes, let's face it, I suffered a pang of jealousy that he was so happy now. Pity that it hasn't happened to me. I do wish I had someone to go biking with, to fly kites with, to walk around with when there's nothing better to do. Heh.

And also, I got a new phone. A Nokia 6510. Unfortunately, the phone comes bereft of my long-time collected numbers and what-not, and lacks the compose function which I really liked because it personalised my phone. So, if you're out there, and you're reading my blog, do send me your phone number so I'll know who's calling at least.

Right now I feel a bit sick. My throat's slightly sore, but at least my nose isn't stuffed up anymore. Someone said I wasn't blogging too much recently (shout-out to Mr "John Cage"). Well these days I've been playing d2, though not at all today, since I went out with some friends; shopping and dinner. Came home, logged on IRC to look for the people I love talking to. There was this period of time when my motivation to come online was this guy... and heh... well, it still is, only that it's different ; people this time round.

Well, people, you know... that I think are quite worth knowing, and chatting to, because they're nice / pleasant / good-looking / fantastic in bed (ok, kidding about that) / fun to banter with. Doesn't hurt to open up your social circle and get to know more potential dat.... I mean friends.

Must say I'm in a relatively good mood today.

Oh yeah, forgot one thing. My recently attached friend was also trying to hook me up with one of his bunk mates... and initially, i was quite irritated with his frequent smsing and his seeming lack of originality in messages. Have talked to him a little, and I think he's alright. Doesn't set my heart racing, of course, but that's ridiculous, considering I've known him for all of 72 hours. heck.

:: nimezs @ 1:01 am [+] ::

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I was quite pissed today, despite the fact it was the LAST day of my exams. Something unfortunate happened.

As I'm writing this, I'm not in a good mood because I'm tired, it's hot and I feel shitty. I don't know where my handphone has disappeared to, so I'm upset and worried and my coping mechanism for this is to be bitchy and write about it. When people pass by me, I make unpleasant remarks in my head like "You so look like an auntie." and "That's right, cut in front of me. What a gentleman you are." and "That is f-ugliest shirt I ever saw!"... I get mean, I get grouchy.

But I suppose it's not as weird as my coping mechanism for fear because when I'm very scared I have this strange tendency to want to laugh.

I could barely suppress my laughter this morning. It would have been very unwise to suddenly start laughing in the middle of the crowd, so I tried to keep my mouth shut.

Yes, it could also be due to the fact that this was my last paper.

Anyway, I'm kinda resigned to the fact my phone is missing. I mean, yes, it upsets me, we've been through so much together, but oh well, it happens. I'll get a new phone. Maybe some nice person will find it and return it to me if it's really missing. Or if it's stolen I hope that jerk who took it breaks his leg. If that's the worst curse I can come up with, I really need help. I hope that jerk who took it has his f-ing hand cut off and his legs broken. How's that?

The rest of the day got worse because I was in some kind of stupid daze and got on the wrong transport vehicle, not once, but twice! I took 151 to god-knows-where (Dunearn Rd I think) and got onto 171 which dropped me off at the Newton station. You think that's all? No. I got onto the North-bound train and reached BRADDELL before I realised I was on the wrong train. Right. Only that the Braddell station has the really weird layout and you can only see one line at the waiting area. IOW I panicked for a while before I exited that side of the station to realise that the two sides of the station were seperated. I am so angry. SO ANGRY.

And the horror of the exam! Do they expect us to write 12 pages in 2 hours?! YES, APPARENTLY BECAUSE THEY SAID NOT MORE THAN 6 PAGES PER TOPIC! Which means they actually thought I could exceeed the 12 page limit. ME? 12 pages in 2 hours?! ME WHO ONLY WROTE 6 PAGES FOR MY LIT EXAM?! And the examination room was so damned cold, and they took their own sweet time collecting the scripts while my fingers were getting frost bite. GRRRRR.

ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH.

LIFE SUCKS! (or at least life today did.)

I really got to the point that I wished this day never happened. Yes, really.

:: nimezs @ 10:35 pm [+] ::

...

Something wrong with my email address listed here, I can't access it. If the password error page persists, and is not a result of some server thingy problem as my friend suggests, then I shall assume the worst and say that someone probably hacked into my account, although i think that would be very much pointless. The password wasn't very difficult to guess though, so erm. whatever. This will probably be my last blog before the exams start, so, seeya guys around. If any, at all. =)

:: nimezs @ 1:34 am [+] ::

...

One whole month of blogs is rather short. Hmm. It appears that not much happens in my life over the course of a month! Am I that boring?

:: nimezs @ 7:31 pm [+] ::

...

picture...


Imagine you can almost hear the waves breaking....

:: nimezs @ 2:09 am [+] ::

...

This will be my last post about an essay. I promise! heh. Anyway. My last essay is due on Saturday. I haven't done it yet. The distraction of D2 is too great. Yes, folks, I'm into Diablo 2. It's all my brother's fault.

:: nimezs @ 2:06 am [+] ::

...

I saw this girl with a pair of pants that looked like a flowy skirt, but would have actually looked nicer if it WERE a flowy skirt.

:: nimezs @ 11:32 am [+] ::

...

Pointless and ineffectual.

Man! What are you trying to tell me? I'm schizophrenic? Why are these weird random words popping into my head?

I AM NOT pointless and ineffectual. I'm arguing with myself! That's pointless and ineffectual. No no no.

I was reading something else just now. Maybe that's what's pointless and ineffectual.

Yeah. I think so.

:: nimezs @ 12:35 am [+] ::

...

These words just keep popping into my head. So pointless. So pointless.
Words so pointless it's not worth saying them.
Er. Whatever. I think I should go to sleep.

:: nimezs @ 12:30 am [+] ::

...

Why doesn't OD work? I want to start my loser league, and begin the "say something stupidly orginal" campaign.

:: nimezs @ 11:08 am [+] ::

...

I know someone came here after getting my ICQ since there's references to my IRC nick. Hey buddy, if you have something nasty to say, say it to my face instead of hiding it away on my comments page on another website.

:: nimezs @ 11:00 am [+] ::

...

Reading my old journal. Something quotable here.

***
"Is it natural behaviour made unnatural by how I try to supress it? Once again all these conventions of society. Loads of philosophical crap about how one should behave. But human is as human does. Does behaving how I feel like behaving make me less human? Does judging others without self-scrutiny make me a lesser being? What IS the meaning of being human?"
***

Wrote that when on the 17th of August 2001. I was 17 then. Unbelievable.

< 24^th January '02 > Hmm... Interesting entry about how I thought XZ was cute. If you know who he is and who I am, don't tell him. Haha.

< 5^th February '02 > "This is quite possibly the worst or best (depending on your viewpoint) Valentine's I've had so far. so far its earned me two dates with people I do not want to commit to, and pretty much cemented the fact that they like me..."

< 11^th June '02 > "See? I have IRC disease!"
Went on cold turkey from IRC for three days. Obsession.

:: nimezs @ 10:10 am [+] ::

...

I think the bachelor is the dumbest show I've ever seen. Does anyone else share my opinion? 25 women vying for one guy's attention? How long have they known him? Do they really care, or do they just want 15 minutes of fame?

:: nimezs @ 8:58 am [+] ::

...

I think I have a lot of hangups about IRC. I ought to write something about it.

Well. *ahem*

I think IRC is a great medium for meet n' greet sessions without having to actually see the other party. That's both good and bad, of course. I've gotten to know lots of people on IRC, but sad to say some of them have caused me great hurt, some of them have caused me great irritation and some of them are just plain not worth talking about.
There are a few of them who can invoke my mirth of course, but unfortunately they are few and far in between.

I can't take it. There are so many times I want to frigging give up IRC and one day I will, believe me. There are far too few real people in my life.

I've liked people I met on IRC, much to my own folly I must admit, and sometimes there are so many things I want to tell them.

Maybe not here.

:: nimezs @ 8:16 am [+] ::

...

10 things I hate about IRC

10) How stupid some people can be

9) My addiction to it.

8) The many shallow people

7) The many sarky-I'm-not-shallow-you-ugly-bitch people

6) The fight pickers

5) The party poopers

4) How you can't reach out and hug somebody

3) How you can't reach out and beat somebody to death

2) The people who never say goodbye

1) The people you care about who never say goodbye.

:: nimezs @ 7:39 am [+] ::

...

I was going to convert to Open Diaries like one of my affliates (teehee, affliates imsoinfantiletoday) has done, but it seems me and OD have a problem with each other. I can't post anything there, and hey, like, you know, what's the point of having an account if ya can't say nuffin?

Alright. I think it's time to go back to bed because I'm sleepy because I stayed up last night till 3 a.m because I was NOT sleepy.

:: nimezs @ 7:31 am [+] ::

...

NARF! I say NARF! All Narfters of the world unite! I'm going to start a league with the program "Say something stupid and original today!"

There, I've done my part already.

:: nimezs @ 7:24 am [+] ::

...

I hardly think anyone comes here that often, but it should be time for me to start talking about myself, considering most visitors will be people unknown to me. And should you find elements about myself corresponding with someone you know... Wow. Coincidence. Well done, now you know my randomest, surface thoughts. hmm I'm pretty sure I haven't put anything about you here though. At least not so you'd recognize it. so HA. THERE.

Let's see. So far I've told you my age. And you can pretty much guess my gender. I don't think you'll know where I hail from or where I'm studying now. That's pretty much fine with me actually, considering how dangerous these Internet diaries can be. You might purloin my identity and then were would I be? Or worse, you might start stalking me if you knew too much about where I hung out, who I hang out with, my age, my height , my weight...

Stuff that is unneccessary, anyway. *Sigh* The problem with blogs is that it doesn't correct spelling or grammatical errors, which I have become quite used to in my essay writing on Microsoft word. It's so easy to come off as an uneducated slob. Which, sometimes I consider myself to be in relation to matter concerning life. There's so much to learn about it, and it seems like I'm getting no headway. Sadly I do not carry around a notepad to capture random thoughts, and they do become pretty garbled by the time they arrive at my other blog. Pretty abstract thoughts sometimes... And I read back and go *cringe* I wrote that?

That's not important anyway. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Nothing much is. Pointless blog.

Word.

:: nimezs @ 10:24 pm [+] ::

...

Wednesday is my off day. I like Wednesdays.

:: nimezs @ 12:01 am [+] ::

...

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I think I'm writing too much about my essays, but I just felt I had to do an entry before I leapt happily into bed. Hear me Hear me! Do not write your essays last minute. It is very bad. Very bad for yourself. Very bad for the essay. Gad. I don't know if I can pull this essay off, or even if the teacher knows what I'm talking about... It looks really haphazard.

Hmmm. If you're interested in reading the essays I wrote that I have mentioned so far in my blogs you're welcome to. They're all located on my website, but I don't think the address would be visible to you. Anyhow. The lit essay I just completed (All 2007 words of it) is at /misc/Kafka.doc/

Let me just say you're all welcome to look at my essay but... please refrain from plagarizing it because i think you can get into really deeeep trouble. Or worse, you might get ME into trouble. These essays are for your information or entertainment... but not to be copied and/or sold for commercial purposes. really. I mean it!

:: nimezs @ 4:31 am [+] ::

...

I'm 19 today. This is quite possibly... so far... the worst birthday I've had because I have not spent it with people I love or care about. I'm filled with a great longing... for I don't know what. All I know that is I ache. I ache inside and I want to cry.

:: nimezs @ 12:21 am [+] ::

...

It is 1:37 and I have finished my Japanese Studies essay. All one thousand and six words of it. Muahahaha. The feeling is good. I expect I will feel better in the morning when i re-read it and print it out. Oh well. haha... I'm not sure if the feeling arises due to the completion of the project or the fact i no longer have to rack my brains writing about a subject I'm not very well conversed in. Writing it is like pulling teeth, oh, but when i finish it... the ecstacy!!!
/misc/1603.doc

:: nimezs @ 1:40 am [+] ::

...

I have written one hundred and eighty one words of my japanese studies essay. Joy.

:: nimezs @ 7:57 pm [+] ::

...

I will be 19 soon. Somehow birthdays aren't as thrilling as they used to be...
Listening to Gareth Gate's Anyone of us. The song is nice, but the words... well. I don't think the words can justify the actions. Especially if you think about it in your own life. Could you forgive someone for straying? A stupid mistake indeed. And even the other girl... she means nothing to him? Then why the hell did he go and do something stupid like that? In the end he's hurting everyone. It could happen to Anyone of us? Doubt it.

:: nimezs @ 10:19 pm [+] ::

...

IRC is getting screwy. There are mad people everywhere.
I'm pissed at someone at the moment. I thought we were friends, but apparently we aren't, if he doesn't trust me enough to tell me things. Screw him.

:: nimezs @ 12:53 am [+] ::

...

one japanese essay to complete.
one literature essay to contemplate on.
Needs be that a thesis statement is written.
And I got an A for my literature essay. Aren't you happy for me? hahaha.
/misc/six.doc

:: nimezs @ 12:12 am [+] ::

...

I am addicted to Psychobabble. It's this game where you drag around little words to form sentences. People vote for their favourite sentences, and the person with the most votes wins. Game ends at 30 pts. Looks like short and sweet does the trick most of the time.

Anyhow, I spent the weekend at home. On the computer. How boring is that? Ok, so maybe I should be doing my homework, and/or preparing for an essay I'll probably be assigned to write for Jap studies class. Oh and my write up on Privacy and Surveillance needs refining. So much to do, so little will to do it.

On top of that, I think I've got an ulcer on my tongue, and it doesn't help that I keep jamming it against my teeth. But on the other hand, who cares?

I wanna hold you, I wanna squeeze you, I wanna break you, wanna take you, wanna love you.
I wanna hurt you, I can't control it, I wanna hold you in my arms until you kiss me.

booooooooo. I'm bored.

:: nimezs @ 7:21 pm [+] ::

...

"Moon so bright, night so fine,
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming

Race the moon, catch the wind,
Ride the night to the end,
Seize the day, stand up for the light

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do

Heroes rise, heroes fall,
Rise again, win it all,
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?

Through our joy, through our pain,
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you

Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again

Save the night, save the day,
Save the love, come whay may,
Love is worth everything we pay

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you."

I don't understand it. Why do I love hearing sad songs like that when I'm sad? Wouldn't it make me sadder?

:: nimezs @ 3:13 am [+] ::

...

Okay, so maybe I'm staying up later than I should. And any of you who actually come here, who actually care? I'm ok. It's over. I'm not crazed, insane, grieving, sorrowful. I promise. Well. At least for now that is. It's sunday. I was out with people on Friday. People who were not my friends. But it was fun. It was better than going out by myself, like on Thursday. Sure, you feel like you don't have to talk to anyone, really independent. But when you think things, and see them... there's no one to point them out to, but yourself.

Lonely people are pathetic, but it's one of the greatest ironies of the world that lonely people keep themselves lonely. They think that it's someone else's fault that they're lonely and never their own. Therein, their loneliness becomes self imposed when they are unwilling to reach out....

Why do I escape loneliness by being alone in big crowds?

Why is it that people who are lonely want other people to leave them alone?

So many questions, so much time to answer, but no will to. I want someone else to answer them for me. If you feel lonely, find someone to answer these questions for you. That's part of the cure. Part of the healing. Never, never believe that others should and will sense your loneliness and make the first move. It doesn't always happen.

Go out and bother someone now, you hear!

:: nimezs @ 3:07 am [+] ::

...

Head hurts, fingers numb,
while i compose in a daze,
a haiku for you.

:: nimezs @ 1:56 am [+] ::

...

Fine. I will sleep now. My anger is spent.

Good grief. why am i talking like this? I can see why now that a truly satisfied person can never be a poet. bah.

:: nimezs @ 1:04 am [+] ::

...

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
May you hold that you desire always in your vision, but never in your grasp. Taste but never sup. May you have unending thirst.

:: nimezs @ 1:01 am [+] ::

...

i cried.


i wasn't just tearing, i was sobbing.


i haven't cried like this for a long time.


while i was crying i kept thinking to myself, oh my god, why am i crying, why am i crying? my heart knows perfectly well why, but my brain refuses to put it in words. I feel better now. maybe now i can move on. Maybe. i surely can't sleep now. there was so much i wanted to type here, but nothing is coming now.


all the while i kept thinking i don't deserve... or rather, i shouldn't waste my time with someone who makes me cry. i can see how he feels about me now. and it makes me angry, and sad. but i asked for it, i suppose. knowingly trying to pursue something i couldn't get. how foolish can we get?


yes, i know how he feels. it doesn't make everything he's said a lie though, because i'm sure he didn't realise it either. but i see it now. and yes, my heart is sorely charged. so now... yes. move on. reject him as he has unknowingly rejected me.


I hate being used.

:: nimezs @ 12:29 am [+] ::

...

That's right. rip. out. my. heart.

:: nimezs @ 11:32 pm [+] ::

...

Anyhoo. Mircing... #medicine, #knights, and #antidisestablishmentarianism. Surprisingly the last name is a blogspot here. nothing much there so far, but why not visit? Shows an interesting mind at work. I hope.

:: nimezs @ 12:52 pm [+] ::

...

Crazy. That's the only word i can think of to describe things i say when i'm sleep deprived. Anyway. I've just finished school. And I'm happy for once. There is no school tomorrow. I will iron my clothes. Watch television. download songs. entertain you with idle banter. positively boring.

:: nimezs @ 12:48 pm [+] ::

...

I'm too easily satisfied. Just one conversation with him and I feel all... satisfied now. And strangely sad. I don't know if our conversations are the same... or if they've changed. May I catch him again, or him, me soon... and let me find out if he's just being nice, or if he's actually being friendly to me. Sometimes the only way I can say things in my mind are in places I know will not touch him. Here is not one such place, although I may drop hints from time to time. I need to sleep. And sleep I will. No more late nights for the next two days.


Yojo:
The taste of something that lingers
in one's consciousness
even after the thing
or event that aroused it
is no longer present.



The gentle sighing in the late of the night makes the heart lighter.
When the mind can think no more, when the heart is numb to feeling,
Sleep, respite to the weary of body, mind and soul, brings oblivion.
Yet heals not the rending chaos that evermore inflicts pain.
the last sigh escapes, and heavy awareness is no more.
Closed eyes - darkness to match the shadowed heart.

:: nimezs @ 12:37 am [+] ::

...

In school. Weird. Felt like getting up at night to do an entry yesterday, but the urge has subsided for now. Had to do with reading my IRC logs and suddenly missing very much the conversations I used to have with a friend. We used to talk then, but now we just chat.

Halfway through doing my page long assignment.

Well, actually I've finished it, just that I really should go do my readings to link what I randomly expounded to what I'm actually required to do in class.

I hate pop-ups.

I'm not continuing a single line of thought here, but well that's what you get for reading what I think. And with the Internet being what it is, I really should'nt be too free with information like this, who knowswho might get their hands on this. Ironic then, I'm writing about privacy issues. Then again, I'm free to type whatever I want, and you'd be none the wiser to m,y actual self.

However, as this site is aptly named carpeveritas (carpe veritas), which (I'm assuming) vaguely means seize the truth, I'll try to ramble on about true things.

I hate school. I love school. I hate the fact I have to get up every morning, and have to do homework and have to think and analyse and suggest and discuss. I love learning more, I love meeting new people, I love talking about things I've learnt, I love showing off things I've learnt.

Is it a paradox, or merely a rather confusing jumble of things? I don't know. What's so great about this blogger is that I can say anything I want, use any words I want and they don't have to mean anything to you, only to me. I'm not writing this for an audience, I'm writing it for myself, but you have been afforded the privilege of peering into my personal little world of thoughts. The other side, sometimes, so to speak.

:: nimezs @ 2:17 pm [+] ::

...

I am freaking tired.

Stayed up too late last night.

Should've slept in more but my brother was banging away on the piano downstairs with more than a few discordant notes that were grinding on my nerves. I know I have a whole lot of homework to do, but somehow I just can't bring myself to do it early. Leave till the day before and then complain about my work load. Doesn't make sense does it, but well, that's me for you. Let's see. I have an essay, two tutorial discussions to prepare and oh lookie here, a whole bunch of notes to print out.

I want to sleep some more.

I need a holiday.

And then, there are some men I'd love to kill. But, as I'm merely a student with no political or financial power, I'll have to make do with silently cursing them as they pass.

:: nimezs @ 3:57 pm [+] ::

...

It never fails to amaze me how stupid some people can be. I'd put up this conversation i had on irc if I was sure he wouldn't come by it. Suffice to say this very obviously desperate male lacks either

a) a good command of english

b) a brain,

because he asked me to call him 4 times, and it didn't get through his thick skull that i already said no the first time. I considered a few things to say to him along the lines of "Did you get a brain transplant? I think you should get your money back, because they obviously gave you an inferior specimen." But my friend pointed out that it might go completely over his head.

:: nimezs @ 3:03 am [+] ::

...

It's morning.

I get depressed in the morning.

But it's hard to think in the morning.

I'm always bothered by thoughts. Thinking.

Why do we think so much?

Or am I actually feeling,

more than thinking?

:: nimezs @ 1:54 am [+] ::

...