:: No hablo estúpido ::

:: Monday, December 30, 2002 ::

Are you one of those kind of people who a) gets into a relationship when offered just for the heck of it, regardless of any feelings or lack therefore you have for the other person; or b) doesn't want to get into a relationship because you aren't sure of your exact feelings for the other person, even though it seems to everyone else that you two have something going on? Or are you c) the kind of person who's desperate to get into ANY KIND of relationship with ANYONE.

Perhaps it's not so easily definable, but rather these are stages we all go through. I was at A) once. Then B). And now I have a feeling I might be headed towards C). It doesn't mean I'm there yet, but I feel I'm frightfully close to it. I mean. A) is easy to explain... Novelty of first time relationships, or maybe you're just seeking stability with someone you're at least comfortable with. B).. Well, you're either afraid, or are waiting for better things ahead. But when you reach C)... oh boy. That's just... sad.

When you reach the stage that you're just *hungry* for any kind of attention, it shows a severe lack of self-esteem, when you almost prostitute yourself for some kind of commitment that isn't really there... I don't know why I'm pursuing this line of thought actually. Perhaps... I will someday get into a relationship for convinience, for stability, even if the feeling of "liking" or attraction isn't there.

What kind of crazy feeling is it that pushes someone to want so much to possess someone else, to bind them in an agreement? When you like someone so much that you need that title to feel complete - to have someone as your boyfriend or girlfriend. Why do two people seriously dating need a milestone of 'officially' getting together? Is it really all that important? Or does it mean, that without this binding, each is free to date as they please, with no guilty feelings?

Maybe that's why some are afraid to commit. And for the very same reason, many want to commit, to restrict their partner's dating field. A balance here, as it seems, is not achievable. I really don't know what I want at the moment - to be able to play the field, or to settle down with someone I can rely on to be there for me.

:: nimezs @ 11:46 pm [+] ::

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Right, I think I'll just do a very brief summary of what I did for the week?

Day 1: Touched down in Australia. Went to my aunt's house. Watched carollers. Fell asleep during performance. Dinner at Uncle Patrick's house. Steamboat.

Day 2: Went to Caversham Wildlife Park. Saw the animals, felt the animals, smelt the animals. Fed the kangaroos. Shopping for 2 hours and lunch. Dinner and games at Uncle Patrick's house again. Supermarket for chocolates and snacks. Cousin bought vodka. Drank half a can. Threw up in shower.

Day 3: More shopping again. Checked out Freemantle market, but it wasn't open. Bought a book at the train station and some sweets. Looked for boardshorts. Dinner, then went to aunt's house for gift opening session.

Day 4: Fed ducks and swans. Christmas dinner at Uncle Patrick's house. Turkey and ham. The turkey was good.

Day 5: Went to the beach. Canoed and kayaked. Got too wet for my comfort. Got a slight tan and lots of muscle strain in upper body areas. Dinner BBQ for birthday celebration. Played Monopoly. Lost my sunglasses. Stopped at petrol station for water and new sunglasses.

Day 6: Horseriding. Butt and thighs ache. Full body pain. Went back to hotel for bath and cool down. Lunch in town, later visited wharf. Saw jellyfish. Ran out for pool with my cousin. He beat me. Skipped off to the Freemantle market, which was, this time, open. But nothing much there.

Day 7: After breakfast, hit town. Spent the last of my money there. Reached the airport at about 2.30. Cleared customs, did duty-free shopping and was on the plane by 5.30. Watched One Hour photo. It was alright. Caught half of spy kids 2. It was funny. Touched down in Singapore at about 9.55. Dead tired.

:: nimezs @ 4:14 pm [+] ::

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I actually wrote while I was in Australia. Rather enthused about it at the beginning, partially because of my boredom and my fascination with my handwriting, but the enthusiasm petered off at the end. Suffering from slight post-holiday depression, so this is a good time as any, I feel, to start typing out my make-shift diary. Here goes.

0815: Dec 22
Through the customs. Didn't set the alarm, so we were late to meet the rest of them at the airport.

Won't be able to blog, of course, which is why I've got this notebook.

Isn't it strange? The original purpose of my blog, to be able to freely express, has been changed to that of entertainment and updating purposes. From writing about my feelings, I've taken to relating general events.

As a result, I've been able to write less and less about my feelings towards people, and more about incidents I think would amuse the visitors to my page.

The whole purpose of my blog was to have someone, albeit a stranger to confess my thoughts - all of them.

It's better, for me to confess to a stranger than a friend. My life is untouched by their thoughts, their opinions, their *judgements* because I do not know them nor care for them.

The downside, of course, is that my friends know less and less about what's going on, and have no idea about what I'm going through. I won't get their support or concern when I need it the most.

At the same time, I won't get their reprimands or moral judgements when I need it the least.

But once again, I digress. This is not about me complaining. This is about my holiday in Australia.

0925: Still waiting for the plane to take off. I've checked the inflight movies.

Hopefully, when I come back, they'll still be showing 'One hour photo', which Sarius recommanded (I think) as a good psychological thriller.

But for now, however, I'll be catching Lilo and Stitch.

The plane is taxiing now. Will be able to start watching in 20 mins (after take-off)

1000: We're in the air now! Some details about my flight - I'm flying with Quantas, in a Boeing 747-400. Smoking is not allowed. I wish I were in a window seat.There's more to see there. But still, the inflight entertainment seems pretty good.

I love taking airplane flights. If you were really sarcastic, you could make the point that most flying is done in airplanes, except in supernatural, risky, or highly fatal situations. Then, of course, there's my morbid curiousity of what it would be like to go down, but that's not something the rest of the passengers would like to contemplate.

I'd be listening to the radio if there was anything good on it. As it is, I think I'll just read the paper until the movies come on. Till I touch down.

-Nicole.

:: nimezs @ 1:16 am [+] ::

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I am so bored. Waiting around for people is the most boring thing in the world. i'll be back in Singapore in... er.... about 8 hours time? But for now, I'm waiting around in the lobby... and I have lots of coins...

:: nimezs @ 1:12 pm [+] ::

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I'm in Australia now, at the lobby of the hotel, using one of those pay as you access booths. Ordinarily I wouldn't care, but one week of holidays has the tendency to play havoc with the amount of junk mail I receive. As it is, I already spent the last 7 mins clearing 8 pages of junk mail from one of my accounts.

Having fun here, that's to be admitted, though most parts of my body are aching from canoeing yesterday. that's it for now, I guess, have to go get extra clothes for horse-riding. The rest of the stuff Ido will be up here later on, though no photos, because I forgot my camera.

:: nimezs @ 8:34 am [+] ::

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There's that feeling of restlessness again. My results will be out this afternoon. Frankly speaking, I'm not expecting to do well at all. Given how hard I studied, that's not a big surprise. Oh well. Another depressing thing to take a holiday from. Then I'll have to start planning what modules I'm going to take whilst I'm in Australia. I mean for NUS. Not modules in Australia. You get it.

I'm going to be gone for a week, and, somehow, despite the fact I'll be somewhere else beside boring, boring Singapore, I feel slightly depressed. Won't be able to see my friends, or my family. There are so many things to miss, and people I'll miss, even if it's just for one week. Especially my computer. Heheh... I don't think I'd feel so ... lost if I had my computer with me.

One gripe I have to make is that I feel people seem to see me as shallow. I'm not sure if this is because they don't know me, or I don't know myself. I don't FEEL like I act shallow, although I will admit to bouts of superficiality. I admit that I like guys who are good looking, I have materialistic desires, and I do sometimes judge people by face-value. But then, doesn't everyone? Or am I mistaken in believing that good looking people seem to be more well-received at first glance? Does admitting to my desires make me worse? So, I'm to like someone only because he's good-looking, and I don't associate with others because they're not?

Maybe it seems to people that I go out too much with people I don't know. Maybe it seems that I talk to much about enjoying free dinners. Maybe it seems like I only interact with or develop friendships with people who have something to offer me materialistically. It doesn't seem that way to me. Sometimes it's hard to not use the term "friend" on everyone you know, on the basis that you know this person, because people seem to get upset if you call them "acquaintances". Well, at least people my age. I wish I could tell them that you'd only be my friend if I cared for you, but no. "Friends" are people you talk to a lot. "Friends" are people you go shopping with. "Friends" are people who are only there when you have something to give them. "Friends" are people who talk about you behind your back because they don't know you that well. What can I say? I have a lot of those.

But as for the people who care, the people who notice my moods, the people who know what to say to me - how can I put them in the same category as the above?

I realise I've just digressed from the ONE gripe I was supposed to be making, but sometimes things just merge. I dunno. Being human is so complex. Being human is fun.

Talking like you aren't human is even more fun.

Hah... That should give you something to chew on.

:: nimezs @ 4:29 pm [+] ::

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The day is long, but I have nothing to say. My house is undergoing renovation, as I said earlier, and presently, I'm getting poisoned by the varnish fumes. And I'm starving now.

I am sort of tired of going out everyday, but LOTR screens tonight and I must see it. Hahaha... After Saturday I'll be able to rest. Heh. I haven't been able to do everything I've wanted to this hols, but I think at least I did quite a bit. Twas fun. And for once? I'm not panicking about going back to school. Truth be told, I'm dying to get back to school. 2003. Here's to better times and memories.

:: nimezs @ 7:30 pm [+] ::

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Alrighty. I was at Lisa's house yesterday and in the morning today... Staying over with Mel. It was quite fun, despite the very very little sleep we got. I feel like sleeping now. My eyes are dead beat... We played FF10, hung out at the balcony eating cookies and drinking Milo till the wee hours of the morning, and then later changed into our prom dresses. Sounds weird, but don't knock it till you try it yourself. There's nothing more satisfying that being dressed up. Hehe. With no where to go, unfortunately.

We played themed scrabble while we were waiting for the bus to come. Fun! Heheh. I have some great ideas on how to play scrabble now.

:: nimezs @ 3:11 pm [+] ::

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my vacation photos are up!

:: nimezs @ 11:28 pm [+] ::

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Flowers, dinner, dessert, more books. Ask me about it if you really want to know. "I went out" is the short version.

Heh heh.

:: nimezs @ 12:41 am [+] ::

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I'm going out this evening. Life's a drag when your house is being renovated.

:: nimezs @ 3:36 pm [+] ::

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Christmas is, and has been always one of my favourite holidays. I find it quite a great pity that I will not be able to spend it with friends or family in Singapore. But then, we've never placed great emphasis on the celebration of Christmas.

So what the hell is Christmas, if not a commercialized holiday? The season of giving, the seaon of hope? Earlier today I said to someone: Never expect anything, because people keep letting you down over and over.

The downside to that, is of course, that you become cynical, and believe that there is no hope, no one you can depend on, nothing to look forward to, and life is bleak and meaningless. Is it that way to me? Sometimes. Which is worse? Not getting something you expect to get, or foregoing the feeling of looking forward to something? The hope makes you happy, but you're afraid to expect too much. How is it possible to look forward to anything?

And yet, losing hope... how can I say this is something I want to happen to me? I do want to be light-hearted, I do want to be happy. But if I am to shield myself from the hurt of unfulfilled wishes...

Just live for the next moment. Never dreaming. Moving on. And everything. And nothing. And meaningless words that just flow and flow. And unfeeling. And empty. And pretending. And covering. Shielding from others. Momentary happiness. False laughter. Unknown. Untouched.

:: nimezs @ 1:02 am [+] ::

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My house is under renovation again, so I won't be able to blog as often as before. Sleeping in the living room tonight. Hmmm. Oh well. Things could be worse, like not being able to take a bath the last time. And my prom was during that period. Yes, things could be worse. Oh, and in other news? I'm going to Perth! YES! Woohoo!! Hahahahahaaha! Perth, perth, perth, perth!!!

I'm so psyched. Well, not about the company, but the fact I get to go overseas.. Really far overseas this time. I wish my brother was going, then at least a member of my family would be going, but he's not interested. This is quite a first for me 'cause I've never been overseas by myself. I guess this will more or less give me a feel of how it's like to go holidaying with friends, which is something I'm very, very keen on doing eventually. It's quite a good break, paying $750 for the ticket.

Besides that of course, I love Perth. Love the weather. Love the tan I'm gonna get. Love the fact that I will finally be able to swim. Heh.

Shucks. The only thing I can't handle is the Internet deprivation. Even in Malaysia I was itching to get my hands on a computer terminal and log on. Urghs.

So, next week, I'll be busy trying to fill my social calender with dates with people I want to meet up with before the holidays end, and I have no chance to see them. Takers anyone?

:: nimezs @ 10:50 pm [+] ::

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3 more days.

:: nimezs @ 11:49 pm [+] ::

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I'm pretty sure I'm starved for affection. Yep. Pretty sure. I need affection.

:: nimezs @ 11:24 pm [+] ::

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Yay. I got a new book. He bought me a book! If you know how much I love Terry Pratchett, you'll know how big a thing this is to me. LOL. I had a nice day. Quite. Really. Haha!

:: nimezs @ 9:45 pm [+] ::

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Ye gads. There's a site called www.carpeveritas.com. Went there by accident whilst I was trying to access my own blog. Interesting. I haven't really perused the site much, so the interesting part is mostly because it's THERE.

How was my trip? So-so. It could've been better if I had more to spend and was with friends instead of family. Would have definately been more fun. In a way, Malaysia reminded me of Australia because of its miles and miles of unspoiled wilderness... And you know, Australia, with its.... miles and miles of... unspoiled wilderness... and desert.

Oh yeah, like I said about the beds... Nothing more enjoyable than lying spread-eagled on the fluffy white beds and waving your arms up and down against the sheets. And the bubble baths? Really nice except for the fact the bubbles were... non existant after a while. Do wish I could've swum.

I only went on two rides at the theme park. One of them gave me a headache and made me nauseous. The other one... despite it being merely a ferris wheel ride, slightly increased the effects of nausea and dizziness. Going on the rollar coaster after that was out of the question. Well, and the lines were pretty long too. Which was quite a pity, considering I paid about 35++ rm to get into the park. And I didn't swim either. Quite a waste.

There was this bridge that spanned the park. Pretty cool stuff 'cause of its height. First and last time I would see my siblings holding hands. Nearly lost my sun glasses after I accidently knocked them off my shirt. Thank goodness for quick reflexes. Haha.

Oh, and during this trip? I couldn't take my eyes off the couples at the resort. There was this couple in the swimming pool who were... I'm not a voyeur. Shut up. Which reminds me. I think my secondary school principle was there too. Those two statements have nothing in common. Shut up.

I wish I could've done more, but it was a pretty short trip, and all in all, not bad at all.

And, as for tmr. A blind date!

I promise. I did not pick him at Malaysia.

This is so exciting, no? More later. Tomorrow. Today. Whatever.

:: nimezs @ 12:45 am [+] ::

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Well, I'm back. There'll be photos up eventually. Heh. There's one thing I must say about holidays, I looooove the hotels. Sounds weird I know, but I like their fluffy white beds. Can't think of much else to say now, but I really missed Singapore and of course, certain people. Hee.

:: nimezs @ 10:48 pm [+] ::

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Well, I'm not exactly off yet. Still here. Online. Been feeling rather restless these few days. Can't sleep. Can't stop myself from coming online. Could be that I'm excited about the trip.

:: nimezs @ 1:27 am [+] ::

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Well, I'm off to Malaysia for 3 days. Not much else to report. =) Seeya.

:: nimezs @ 11:01 pm [+] ::

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Staying over at my friend's place today. We went out to the old Pavillion place and played pool. We only completed 3 games in like.. an hour? Lol. Quite bad, but at least I won two games.. heh...Then we went to the arcarde and stayed there for about an hour. A bit of those DJ games... Embarrassed ourselves at Para-para. Um. Well. There wasn't anyone there. So heck with it, right?

:: nimezs @ 12:30 am [+] ::

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Amazing Race 3 came to Singapore. It was interesting watching the show, especially seeing Singapore from the racers' point of view. Since AM3 is already one of my favourite shows to watch, this episode really took the cake. It was hilarious hearing the contestants butcher the pronunciation of the roads and Phua Chu Kang's name... I think they should have used one of the Singapore Airline Girls for the representive instead of Jamie Yeo anyway.... Their uniform is so much more distinctive.. heh.

The only part about the AM3 that I didn't like was Teri and Ian not being eliminated.They're my absolute non-favourite team. Hmm. But then I guess maybe in a way Zach and Flo should've lost because Flo kept yelling at Zach and was really unreasonable towards him. Oh whatever. I wonder who will win.

Do read about it here. Oh do!

:: nimezs @ 10:10 pm [+] ::

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Alright, honestly, I've been staying up late because of this person I've been chatting to a lot of late. The bantering that sometimes goes on between us definately reminded me of one of my friends. Can't say I dislike it. Haha. I think I did mention this person before in one of my other blogs... What I like so much about him is that he hasn't been crazily desperate to get all my personal information and/or take me out. Hm. As I recall, the very same situation occured to me before, and it made me crazy about the guy instead. I promise though, *grin* none of that will be happening. We do not want him to only be friends with me because he thinks he can get anything he wants from me. Heh heh heh.

Anyway, my dear friend Lyndon, 2 weeks more till you come back to Singapore! Yay! Really. Missed you and your jibes. You can still SMS me at the same number you know. Please do. Only I don't have your number now, so... you know what to do. Typing this here instead of mailing you because my sending function is screwed up. And I'm not going to put a comment in your public-y blog. So there.

:: nimezs @ 2:26 am [+] ::

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I AM FREAKING BORED.

:: nimezs @ 10:18 pm [+] ::

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The problem with staying up too late is that you feel groggy for the rest of the day even if you've had your 8 hours worth of sleep. Maybe I should just sleep from 10 to 2, and THEN wake up and go online. Hahaha... and then go back to sleep at 4am till 10am. Think that'll work?

:: nimezs @ 5:25 pm [+] ::

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Okay, I have only... like.... 12 minutes left to do a blog for Monday. Heh. So ok. Ermmm. I went out today, ate at Genki Sushi. Food was nice, but I learnt not to touch the fried stuff 'cause it was mostly cold. The egg pudding was delicious. I wish I took a second helping.... But it was quite expensive, so.... I won't be eating there too often. Then went down to Bugis to game... Tried out X-box games... Some Mario Board game that was really fun. I laughed and laughed... It was really really fun.

I'd like to do this again! =D

:: nimezs @ 11:51 pm [+] ::

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There is this strange happiness in being lost in your own world. I don't think I ever felt better today compared to the whole week as I was walking down Orchard road by myself, oblivious of the crowd, listening to music. The sense of freedom of being by yourself, the feeling of truly being yourself. I didn't have to concentrate on anyone else or make idle talk. Free to think about myself, free to look around and appreciate the sights better. I could do whatever I pleased, rather than wait around for people to decide where they wanted to go, or where they wanted to do.

Of course, eventually, the novelty of being alone wears off, and everywhere you see people together, and there you are, by yourself, lost in your own silly world with no one to share it with.

Well, that and the bustling crowds that walk slowly made my day less than perfect.

But otherwise, it was pretty nice walking around alone today. Haha, I realised that soul-searching doesn't have to occur somewhere remote...

:: nimezs @ 4:20 am [+] ::

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Shoot me dead before I kill someone.

There are three things in the world I hate, people who number things, people who number things, and people who repeat themselves.

:: nimezs @ 4:00 am [+] ::

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