:: No hablo estúpido ::

:: Wednesday, October 30, 2002 ::

I saw this girl with a pair of pants that looked like a flowy skirt, but would have actually looked nicer if it WERE a flowy skirt.

:: nimezs @ 11:32 am [+] ::

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Pointless and ineffectual.

Man! What are you trying to tell me? I'm schizophrenic? Why are these weird random words popping into my head?

I AM NOT pointless and ineffectual. I'm arguing with myself! That's pointless and ineffectual. No no no.

I was reading something else just now. Maybe that's what's pointless and ineffectual.

Yeah. I think so.

:: nimezs @ 12:35 am [+] ::

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These words just keep popping into my head. So pointless. So pointless.
Words so pointless it's not worth saying them.
Er. Whatever. I think I should go to sleep.

:: nimezs @ 12:30 am [+] ::

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Why doesn't OD work? I want to start my loser league, and begin the "say something stupidly orginal" campaign.

:: nimezs @ 11:08 am [+] ::

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I know someone came here after getting my ICQ since there's references to my IRC nick. Hey buddy, if you have something nasty to say, say it to my face instead of hiding it away on my comments page on another website.

:: nimezs @ 11:00 am [+] ::

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Reading my old journal. Something quotable here.

***
"Is it natural behaviour made unnatural by how I try to supress it? Once again all these conventions of society. Loads of philosophical crap about how one should behave. But human is as human does. Does behaving how I feel like behaving make me less human? Does judging others without self-scrutiny make me a lesser being? What IS the meaning of being human?"
***

Wrote that when on the 17th of August 2001. I was 17 then. Unbelievable.

< 24^th January '02 > Hmm... Interesting entry about how I thought XZ was cute. If you know who he is and who I am, don't tell him. Haha.

< 5^th February '02 > "This is quite possibly the worst or best (depending on your viewpoint) Valentine's I've had so far. so far its earned me two dates with people I do not want to commit to, and pretty much cemented the fact that they like me..."

< 11^th June '02 > "See? I have IRC disease!"
Went on cold turkey from IRC for three days. Obsession.

:: nimezs @ 10:10 am [+] ::

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I think the bachelor is the dumbest show I've ever seen. Does anyone else share my opinion? 25 women vying for one guy's attention? How long have they known him? Do they really care, or do they just want 15 minutes of fame?

:: nimezs @ 8:58 am [+] ::

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I think I have a lot of hangups about IRC. I ought to write something about it.

Well. *ahem*

I think IRC is a great medium for meet n' greet sessions without having to actually see the other party. That's both good and bad, of course. I've gotten to know lots of people on IRC, but sad to say some of them have caused me great hurt, some of them have caused me great irritation and some of them are just plain not worth talking about.
There are a few of them who can invoke my mirth of course, but unfortunately they are few and far in between.

I can't take it. There are so many times I want to frigging give up IRC and one day I will, believe me. There are far too few real people in my life.

I've liked people I met on IRC, much to my own folly I must admit, and sometimes there are so many things I want to tell them.

Maybe not here.

:: nimezs @ 8:16 am [+] ::

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10 things I hate about IRC

10) How stupid some people can be

9) My addiction to it.

8) The many shallow people

7) The many sarky-I'm-not-shallow-you-ugly-bitch people

6) The fight pickers

5) The party poopers

4) How you can't reach out and hug somebody

3) How you can't reach out and beat somebody to death

2) The people who never say goodbye

1) The people you care about who never say goodbye.

:: nimezs @ 7:39 am [+] ::

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I was going to convert to Open Diaries like one of my affliates (teehee, affliates imsoinfantiletoday) has done, but it seems me and OD have a problem with each other. I can't post anything there, and hey, like, you know, what's the point of having an account if ya can't say nuffin?

Alright. I think it's time to go back to bed because I'm sleepy because I stayed up last night till 3 a.m because I was NOT sleepy.

:: nimezs @ 7:31 am [+] ::

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NARF! I say NARF! All Narfters of the world unite! I'm going to start a league with the program "Say something stupid and original today!"

There, I've done my part already.

:: nimezs @ 7:24 am [+] ::

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I hardly think anyone comes here that often, but it should be time for me to start talking about myself, considering most visitors will be people unknown to me. And should you find elements about myself corresponding with someone you know... Wow. Coincidence. Well done, now you know my randomest, surface thoughts. hmm I'm pretty sure I haven't put anything about you here though. At least not so you'd recognize it. so HA. THERE.

Let's see. So far I've told you my age. And you can pretty much guess my gender. I don't think you'll know where I hail from or where I'm studying now. That's pretty much fine with me actually, considering how dangerous these Internet diaries can be. You might purloin my identity and then were would I be? Or worse, you might start stalking me if you knew too much about where I hung out, who I hang out with, my age, my height , my weight...

Stuff that is unneccessary, anyway. *Sigh* The problem with blogs is that it doesn't correct spelling or grammatical errors, which I have become quite used to in my essay writing on Microsoft word. It's so easy to come off as an uneducated slob. Which, sometimes I consider myself to be in relation to matter concerning life. There's so much to learn about it, and it seems like I'm getting no headway. Sadly I do not carry around a notepad to capture random thoughts, and they do become pretty garbled by the time they arrive at my other blog. Pretty abstract thoughts sometimes... And I read back and go *cringe* I wrote that?

That's not important anyway. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Nothing much is. Pointless blog.

Word.

:: nimezs @ 10:24 pm [+] ::

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Wednesday is my off day. I like Wednesdays.

:: nimezs @ 12:01 am [+] ::

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GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I think I'm writing too much about my essays, but I just felt I had to do an entry before I leapt happily into bed. Hear me Hear me! Do not write your essays last minute. It is very bad. Very bad for yourself. Very bad for the essay. Gad. I don't know if I can pull this essay off, or even if the teacher knows what I'm talking about... It looks really haphazard.

Hmmm. If you're interested in reading the essays I wrote that I have mentioned so far in my blogs you're welcome to. They're all located on my website, but I don't think the address would be visible to you. Anyhow. The lit essay I just completed (All 2007 words of it) is at /misc/Kafka.doc/

Let me just say you're all welcome to look at my essay but... please refrain from plagarizing it because i think you can get into really deeeep trouble. Or worse, you might get ME into trouble. These essays are for your information or entertainment... but not to be copied and/or sold for commercial purposes. really. I mean it!

:: nimezs @ 4:31 am [+] ::

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I'm 19 today. This is quite possibly... so far... the worst birthday I've had because I have not spent it with people I love or care about. I'm filled with a great longing... for I don't know what. All I know that is I ache. I ache inside and I want to cry.

:: nimezs @ 12:21 am [+] ::

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It is 1:37 and I have finished my Japanese Studies essay. All one thousand and six words of it. Muahahaha. The feeling is good. I expect I will feel better in the morning when i re-read it and print it out. Oh well. haha... I'm not sure if the feeling arises due to the completion of the project or the fact i no longer have to rack my brains writing about a subject I'm not very well conversed in. Writing it is like pulling teeth, oh, but when i finish it... the ecstacy!!!
/misc/1603.doc

:: nimezs @ 1:40 am [+] ::

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I have written one hundred and eighty one words of my japanese studies essay. Joy.

:: nimezs @ 7:57 pm [+] ::

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I will be 19 soon. Somehow birthdays aren't as thrilling as they used to be...
Listening to Gareth Gate's Anyone of us. The song is nice, but the words... well. I don't think the words can justify the actions. Especially if you think about it in your own life. Could you forgive someone for straying? A stupid mistake indeed. And even the other girl... she means nothing to him? Then why the hell did he go and do something stupid like that? In the end he's hurting everyone. It could happen to Anyone of us? Doubt it.

:: nimezs @ 10:19 pm [+] ::

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IRC is getting screwy. There are mad people everywhere.
I'm pissed at someone at the moment. I thought we were friends, but apparently we aren't, if he doesn't trust me enough to tell me things. Screw him.

:: nimezs @ 12:53 am [+] ::

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one japanese essay to complete.
one literature essay to contemplate on.
Needs be that a thesis statement is written.
And I got an A for my literature essay. Aren't you happy for me? hahaha.
/misc/six.doc

:: nimezs @ 12:12 am [+] ::

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I am addicted to Psychobabble. It's this game where you drag around little words to form sentences. People vote for their favourite sentences, and the person with the most votes wins. Game ends at 30 pts. Looks like short and sweet does the trick most of the time.

Anyhow, I spent the weekend at home. On the computer. How boring is that? Ok, so maybe I should be doing my homework, and/or preparing for an essay I'll probably be assigned to write for Jap studies class. Oh and my write up on Privacy and Surveillance needs refining. So much to do, so little will to do it.

On top of that, I think I've got an ulcer on my tongue, and it doesn't help that I keep jamming it against my teeth. But on the other hand, who cares?

I wanna hold you, I wanna squeeze you, I wanna break you, wanna take you, wanna love you.
I wanna hurt you, I can't control it, I wanna hold you in my arms until you kiss me.

booooooooo. I'm bored.

:: nimezs @ 7:21 pm [+] ::

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"Moon so bright, night so fine,
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming

Race the moon, catch the wind,
Ride the night to the end,
Seize the day, stand up for the light

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do

Heroes rise, heroes fall,
Rise again, win it all,
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?

Through our joy, through our pain,
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you

Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again

Save the night, save the day,
Save the love, come whay may,
Love is worth everything we pay

I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you."

I don't understand it. Why do I love hearing sad songs like that when I'm sad? Wouldn't it make me sadder?

:: nimezs @ 3:13 am [+] ::

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Okay, so maybe I'm staying up later than I should. And any of you who actually come here, who actually care? I'm ok. It's over. I'm not crazed, insane, grieving, sorrowful. I promise. Well. At least for now that is. It's sunday. I was out with people on Friday. People who were not my friends. But it was fun. It was better than going out by myself, like on Thursday. Sure, you feel like you don't have to talk to anyone, really independent. But when you think things, and see them... there's no one to point them out to, but yourself.

Lonely people are pathetic, but it's one of the greatest ironies of the world that lonely people keep themselves lonely. They think that it's someone else's fault that they're lonely and never their own. Therein, their loneliness becomes self imposed when they are unwilling to reach out....

Why do I escape loneliness by being alone in big crowds?

Why is it that people who are lonely want other people to leave them alone?

So many questions, so much time to answer, but no will to. I want someone else to answer them for me. If you feel lonely, find someone to answer these questions for you. That's part of the cure. Part of the healing. Never, never believe that others should and will sense your loneliness and make the first move. It doesn't always happen.

Go out and bother someone now, you hear!

:: nimezs @ 3:07 am [+] ::

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Head hurts, fingers numb,
while i compose in a daze,
a haiku for you.

:: nimezs @ 1:56 am [+] ::

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Fine. I will sleep now. My anger is spent.

Good grief. why am i talking like this? I can see why now that a truly satisfied person can never be a poet. bah.

:: nimezs @ 1:04 am [+] ::

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Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
May you hold that you desire always in your vision, but never in your grasp. Taste but never sup. May you have unending thirst.

:: nimezs @ 1:01 am [+] ::

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i cried.


i wasn't just tearing, i was sobbing.


i haven't cried like this for a long time.


while i was crying i kept thinking to myself, oh my god, why am i crying, why am i crying? my heart knows perfectly well why, but my brain refuses to put it in words. I feel better now. maybe now i can move on. Maybe. i surely can't sleep now. there was so much i wanted to type here, but nothing is coming now.


all the while i kept thinking i don't deserve... or rather, i shouldn't waste my time with someone who makes me cry. i can see how he feels about me now. and it makes me angry, and sad. but i asked for it, i suppose. knowingly trying to pursue something i couldn't get. how foolish can we get?


yes, i know how he feels. it doesn't make everything he's said a lie though, because i'm sure he didn't realise it either. but i see it now. and yes, my heart is sorely charged. so now... yes. move on. reject him as he has unknowingly rejected me.


I hate being used.

:: nimezs @ 12:29 am [+] ::

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That's right. rip. out. my. heart.

:: nimezs @ 11:32 pm [+] ::

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Anyhoo. Mircing... #medicine, #knights, and #antidisestablishmentarianism. Surprisingly the last name is a blogspot here. nothing much there so far, but why not visit? Shows an interesting mind at work. I hope.

:: nimezs @ 12:52 pm [+] ::

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Crazy. That's the only word i can think of to describe things i say when i'm sleep deprived. Anyway. I've just finished school. And I'm happy for once. There is no school tomorrow. I will iron my clothes. Watch television. download songs. entertain you with idle banter. positively boring.

:: nimezs @ 12:48 pm [+] ::

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I'm too easily satisfied. Just one conversation with him and I feel all... satisfied now. And strangely sad. I don't know if our conversations are the same... or if they've changed. May I catch him again, or him, me soon... and let me find out if he's just being nice, or if he's actually being friendly to me. Sometimes the only way I can say things in my mind are in places I know will not touch him. Here is not one such place, although I may drop hints from time to time. I need to sleep. And sleep I will. No more late nights for the next two days.


Yojo:
The taste of something that lingers
in one's consciousness
even after the thing
or event that aroused it
is no longer present.



The gentle sighing in the late of the night makes the heart lighter.
When the mind can think no more, when the heart is numb to feeling,
Sleep, respite to the weary of body, mind and soul, brings oblivion.
Yet heals not the rending chaos that evermore inflicts pain.
the last sigh escapes, and heavy awareness is no more.
Closed eyes - darkness to match the shadowed heart.

:: nimezs @ 12:37 am [+] ::

...